Being a mama ain’t easy.
When I became a mother I was given my greatest teachers. My girls are getting a bit older now and I look at them in awe of the powerful little souls that they are. I admire all the beautiful qualities they possess that I could only dream of having in my youth. No one could truly explain what it’s like being a mother to another soul could they? That you would crucify yourself over those moments of losing your temper or how you would run yourself to complete depletion trying to be everything to them. We are in a cultural society of little support for our mama’s. We’re out here taking on all the things and barely making it in the name of “being a good mother”.
My oldest daughter got the worst version of me in this energy as I grew into my motherhood, looked at what I needed to heal within myself as they slowly showed it all to me through being my daughters. Lillian is my first born. She came into this existence as a highly sensitive soul just like me, with so many of my traits. Like whoa, that’s what it was like for my mom having a little sensitive soul to raise. I could never have understood myself the way I do today if she hadn't been a perfect mirror to reflect all my shit. I could either shame her into submission and compliance or I could face the fact that she had limits, needs, boundaries as she timidly confessed them….
How can I ignore this precious angel telling me these things in her gentle sweet manner? I am super uncomfortable with that because I don’t know HOW to have those things myself. How do I help her honor them? I’m proud to say even when it’s painful I try to BE the person I want her to be. The woman that knows her power, is not afraid to speak up for herself and stand her ground at the same time not lose sight of interconnectedness, understanding and love for others that do not speak her language. Can we just add in that she is a mega communicator? She has the emotional intelligence of an adult and an equal ability to break it down for you in the many times you can benefit from that gift…… and let me tell you, I dig DEEP when she brings her magic the way she does helping me see things in my blind spot that somehow only Lillian can best me seeing. Can we say shadow work?!?! This is the same child capable of surviving her mothers emotional breakdown and still having the love and understanding to say “hey, look at me mama, I have your back”.
Then there’s this other amazing being that I earthed, we named Layla. Layla has never, not once negotiated her limits. She has them and you will have no power over her otherwise. What is this person who does not respond to the things her sister did or any variety of exasperated parenting tricks? She too is highly sensitive in her existence but in a different way from her sister. Layla is less vocal and has a physical manifestation of distress while stoically holding her emotions in.
This was a tremendous parenting strain as we slowly discovered how vulnerable she was to her environment, energy, change in routine, sensitivities to temperature and texture and for experiencing the limits of her parents around her strong willed nature. WOW, so now I get to experience what it would be like if I loved and cared for myself before others as Layla does. If I honored my comfort and well being as a PRIORITY. Loving myself?!?! I thought I was uncomfortable before…
NOW I’m really uncomfortable. Not to mention she has this different way of thinking than me that sees no need in sugar coating or making sure the message is received with grace. She just gets to the point. So you’re telling me not everyone thinks like I do but AREN’T trying to hurt me? YES, that’s what I’m saying. She embodies so many things I aspire to be more like. She does this with the most loving affection towards me, honoring our differences with ease as if she innately spoke my language when I didn’t hers. They both have crumbled all beliefs of what I knew to be “the right way”. They relentlessly expanded my vision for compassion, love, communication, and showing me how to know a limit and honor it. These beautiful beings show up for ME. They accept me just as I am. Love me when I feel unlovable. Thank you universe. My heart is forever full of gratitude for the way only they can wake me up.
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