I recently began to appreciate more just how magical it is to know the deep depths of shame. My greatest enemy is actually my greatest ally. Did shame give me the ability to see the divinity in all experiences? I dare say I treasure the “bad” ones MORE because the kink in me says I like a little cut to remind me that this human life is extraordinary.
Along this journey I have felt sorry for myself thinking how hard it was for me to be forced into spaces that made me feel like something was wrong with me. Spaces where I conformed to others expectations as to not trouble anyone with my needs, emotions or desires. So much so, that I didn’t even know I had needs worth honoring. Why didn’t anyone care for me better? See me more clearly. Show up for me when I needed them… Or did they?
Shame. Where did you come from?
My dad, the pastor, was born and raised in shame from many sources, including his god. I received Christianity as shame in my childhood. You were born bad, and stay that way begging for forgiveness. You were to fear a judgmental god that will have your rap sheet ready when your time comes. Follow these rules and beliefs or else face eternity in pain.
Every other weekend and every invitation around these beliefs felt the same. Shame. I’m not good enough. Something is wrong with me. This feels awful. I must be awful for not enjoying this. I’m scared I’m not going to heaven. I deserve to be punished. Don’t say the wrong things, they will judge you. I’m bad. If you aren’t like me you’re wrong. Shame on me and shame on you.
Honor thy father and mother… It might not look like what you expected.
I came to a point in my journey when I needed to journey without my dad for a while so that I could see him more clearly. This wasn't apparent to me at the time because I was feeling pain and shame. I was unable to see the divinity in our journey together. I honored myself though. It was really hard to do this and others didn’t understand but it was this that gave me the gift of seeing all that he was.
It was you dad who honored me best with your patience and love. This was a gift that only being parted from you, could you truly give me. I receive this gift dad. I thank you for seeing me and holding me in my absence. It was the shame that led me to loving and honoring myself in a way that could only come from once having known the shame so deeply. I could not be more grateful for the reverence I now possess for our journey. Because you are good and wise. You are not to blame or shame. I couldn't have done it without you. You gave all that you had and what you knew. It wasn’t what I expected, it was even better. You didn’t know how to give the love without the shame. Those were your wounds. I could not see it before and that was perfectly divine. I’ve been busy daddy. I claimed a shameless journey for us both. I honored the shame and I’m working to release it for our family. I see you dad, and I love you so much.
What about my childhood being bathed in shame gave me power?
What did this healing show me and empower me with?
We are much the same dad. I honor your lens and mine. You sought redemption through your loving god. You speak passionately everyday on the guidance and wisdom of your god. Bringing you to tears many times as you read over each precious word of your scripture. Seeing all that is there for you and your congregation. Desiring nothing more than to fill other hearts with the love you know your god to be. Your spiritually glowing through every cell, offering this sweet redemption and love. Your rituals of blue grass on Sunday mornings, working on your sermons you were called to share, perfecting your hair, buffed black cowboy boots, blessings on every meal we ate, your community, your warmth in every connection you made, and songs sang loudly as they healed your soul. All so vivid and beautiful. I was witnessing reverence to this precious life. Time made for ceremony and reflection. Love sent through the prayer list as you brought your worries to your god and the love you sent to your soul family by holding them in your heart. The deep devotion you gave to your healing practices. Your heart always so full of love, big laughs and tenderness for all of your brothers and sisters. I accepted your shame stories dad, AND your big love and devotion to spiritual healing. I want to be just like you. I want to honor, trust, love, hold life in reverence, have ritual, blessings and worship in my life. I want to live intentionally with love overflowing from my heart. I can see how your powerful healing is felt and desired. How your energy is a blessing. A joyful, trusting bliss that radiates from your whole being. The words and practices may look different but we use them and seek them for the same. To ignite passion, gratitude, empower, inspire and give strength to us through this journey. I can see that my way is different but much the same. I can now see my god is your god in drag. I am so very grateful I was blessed to witness your sacred spiritual journey.
Dad, you say this…. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the lord, with all thine heart, lean, not upon thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.
I say this… trust in yourself, with all thine heart, lean, not upon thine own understanding in this moment alone, in all thy ways honor your journey, for it is divine and directs thy path.
What about my mom, the seductress? Yeesssss!!!!
Don’t worry mom, I didn’t forget about you! For you gave me your own precious medicine. We did our shame thing too, didn’t we? The old stories of conditioning shame and some of the I do not know how to give you what was never given to me type of shame. Through this mama you gave me my greatest gift of all. My empathy. In your struggles I found the medicine. For you I am so deeply grateful. Without you I could never have known this beautiful gift. You showed me many many things as we’ve journeyed together but what I am treasuring in this moment is the seductress that you were.
The redemption you offered was that I didn't need redemption baby!! There was nothing to forgive! What I once saw as a scary one way ticket to hell transformed into my gift of witnessing the power in sexuality and divine feminine energy. You gave me all that you had. You didn’t always have words for some things but you showed me nonetheless. Your womanly wiles began long before me. Dad never even had a chance. He wasn’t the only one to know your love but he was the only one with the privilege of fathering your children.
What was I witnessing in all my younger years?!?!? I watched an independent, strong, confident woman dress herself, adorn herself, worship herself in many ways. You showed me the rituals of a sexy woman who loved herself. From your White Musk to our Fashion Bug shopping sprees. I adored you and always wanted to be “home” with you mom. A woman that followed her passions fearlessly and was a safe space for many that needed her.
I can almost smell the calgon thinking of your long sexy baths where you got lost in being a woman. A woman who didn’t care if the tub got oily or how long she was in there. A woman that splurged on her nails, bath salts, lotions, anklets, and things that honored her body as her temple. Damn mama you are fire. I remember watching with such amazement when you put blue eye liner around your gorgeous green eyes and put red to your lips doing a perfect blot on toilet paper every time. Always joking about your big boobs but they were perfect, and just one part of your beautiful feminine self. The way you held yourself. Could any woman who worked swing shift raising two kids make navy blue mechanics pants and t-shirts look ANY sexier?!? You mom gave me one of my most treasured sacred gifts. The gift of not shaming wild feminine energy. Who wouldn’t want to smoke a long sexy cigarette with you? Or go out after work for drinks to enjoy your energy? The way you gave sexual energy as love. To think of all the souls you reached in your journey with your unconditional love... As with other parts of my journey, I had to honor the shame to see more of your medicine and wisdom. It is forever my teacher perhaps. Thank you mom. Thank you so f*cking much for reading all those sexy love novels, claiming your desires, for putting tanning oil on as you worshiped the sun with your body, for the cute way you danced when the music hit just right, for showing me the power and passion in being a woman. For taking me to see gorgeous men dancers that ignited my sexual energy and most of all mom… Thank you for showing me there really never was anything to be ashamed of. The way you honored your wild woman gives me permission to do the same. I see you, I love you, I honor you and have so much gratitude for all that you have always given me. It might not seem like enough to you, but it is mom. It really really is.
Shame, what would I be without having known you?
What a deep weavy embroidery I had no idea I was weaving. To this I say, you who sits reading this has the very same deep weavy embroidery that I honor so deeply. I invite you to see the divinity in all the experiences of your journey. Not seeking to blame, but to trust that they are your greatest allies. From my lens the redemption lies within our own heart.
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